July 25, 2008

I Can Never Run for President

My family fought for the royalists in the Revolutionary War. I can never run for president.

I will never overcome the stigma of my name, you see. My name, like Obama's, is a magic spell cast upon me by ancestors long a-mouldering in the grave. If elected president my ancestors will, like Angela Lansbury, give me the magical hypnotic phone call of undeniable command - I will have no choice but to tear, spindle, and mutilate the constitution and then invite the British to re-conquer the majestic mountains and amber waves of grain our patriots so cruelly wrested from British control.

Thirteen years in the U.S. Public School system? Piffle.
A career in public service working for the State of Colorado? Nada.
Parents who constantly reminded me that, while imperfect, the United States of America is nevertheless the greatest country in the world? Insubstantial as a feather floating on the breeze.

God Save the King/Queen and all that. What rubbish! People who think Obama won't be a good president because his name will somehow have the magical power to force him to make the U.S. vulnerable to "Islamic turrists" are simply not thinking.

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